Two Decades Ago

..the Leela* was born. Yeah, I know this comes a bit late but I wanted to wait for it to be well past the day in all parts of the world and for the last of the wishes to arrive. Simple and sweet, the day was all I could wish for. Gosh! Would you look at the fake humility!

I woke up early just to confirm that the nightmare of my sis and dad having eaten up all the cake before I woke up hadn't came true. A huge sigh of relief later, we dug into the cake. Chocolicious.

Yes, I went to work. Nine hours down. The idea of bunking never really came to mind. Three long phone conversations and four smss later, I got off work. I gave God a few thank yous and a few sorrys and got back some of my favourite Paal Payasam. Mom had sent coconut burfi along with dad who had come to pick me up and yours hungrilly, perched on the scooter, ate it all up on the way, through the roads of the capital city. I can get very, very insane when it comes to food.

Six more phone calls, two of them forming a nested loop and one sms later I was off to Plucky's place with cake and burfi. As usual, she and her weighing machine welcomed me. "Not on my day!", I snapped. Talk about birthday gifts. My weightlessness was the last thing I wanted to think about. But guess what? I am officially one kilo heavier. Yay!

The day is done and what stares back at me is two decades of existence.

*and I don't mean The Leela. :P

A Blast of a Birthday! - Act 1

Disclaimer:
The following post describes in vivid detail the convoluted ways in which the mind of a certain UTD ( Ulti Torture Devil ) works. So, proceed only if you think you can handle it. Oh, by the way, this is just a teeny tiny glimpse of what goes on in her mind.

Caution:
I don’t have the permission to disclose who Devil really is… and I advise you not to bother either.

A few words before I begin.( well I guess I already began but anyway…)
Thanks to Postman for the idea to write a b’day blog.
Thanks to Crazy gal for the crazy idea to blog about this particular incident.
This is a big one.. so here it goes.

This blog post is dedicated to a plucky ( henceforth addressed to as Plucky in this post), a hopeless person ( henceforth addressed to as Hopeless in this post ) and a ziddi (means stubborn in Hindi) person ( henceforth.. blah blah blah... Imp)

Narrated by Devil:-

Act 1 Scene 1

(x,,y,z,t) – (Orkut, 12/06/07 : 22:00 hrs)

I should admit that I get a lot of satisfaction from the innumerable sadistic things I do. I cannot explain why or how but it has been this way for quite some time now. This greed for sadistic happiness was heightened today for some reason; maybe because Imp didn’t come online today at all ( that’s the reason he gave… what a reason! Lol ) or because of the inspiring episode – the one which focuses on Megan and her evil self - of Drake n Josh I saw just a few minutes back, which is my reason. The point; I was on top gear. Time to attack somebody’s scrapbook. Hmm.. who shall be my victim today?? I went profile-hopping in my friends’ list and voila! Who better than Imp? Ego freak to the core and a self-proclaimed cool guy… Time for some ego-deflation. Here’s what I did to his about me column. evil laugh

Scrap 1: “well i havnt figured out much abt myself yet like what i really want. a couple of years back i had an obsessive desire to get to IIT but now that i am here and i find that it is just another college i guess i need to find a new goal.so as of now i am aimlessly killing time and that brings me to orkut.my frends say im very composd n never get angry,i njoy spending time wid frends,watching movies n generally chilling out. so add moi!!”
Scrap 2: thts more about mr 1001.. his about me column
Scrap 3: see wat I told.. give up person. Hasn’t figured out abt himself in th first place!
Scrap 4: “obsessive desire to get to IIT” couldn’t hav gt th next train kya??any moron with a ticket can do it!
Scrap 5: “just another college” duh! Wat du expect? Hogwarts?!
Scrap 6: “need to find a new goal” hopeless and goalless!
Scrap 7: “aimlessly killing time” wata murderer! No wonder ppl lik me don’t get nuf time to carry out our aimful activities. Sheesh!
Scrap 8: “that brings me to orkut” oh no! more murders abt to occur.
Scrap 9: “generally chilling out” wonder wat’s non-generally chilling out?!
Scrap 10: “so add moi" ya sure! After all this? nice try! PS: ta da ta ta taa! I'm luvin it.. ulti thing to do on my bday!

10 scraps.. as always.. 1 orkut page :D Mission Accomplished.


Act 1 Scene 2

(x,y,z,t) – (Gmail, 12/06/07 : 22:30 hrs)

Wow! That felt great! One of my masterpieces! That’s when I got my birthday compliments… the best so far…

“u evil wiked gal..
i dnt cum online 1day nd u act so smart..
litter my scraps ldat..
utd is an understatement
ur unbelivably mean
:x
:x”
LOL!

“wat abt u havnt even gt nething 2 write in ure abt u section..
except dat u cn pain infi..
d name says it all it seems..
:x
:x”
LOL!!

“… d grt whose name says it all...(wonder if it means devil personified)”
LOL!!!

And get this… I made a calm n composed guy slaisha pissed! clap Achievement! Hardwork pays and it pays handsomely. (Chap didn’t even reply once that night)

For the record: He’s just the most amazing guy I have ever met. :)

( So that was Act 1. The damage:-
Devil : “How dare he get pissed? How can he stay angry like that?? And wats with the not messaging??? Wait till I get my hands on him!”
Imp : “ So innocent, yet so evil! Nobody messes with my ego! Wait till I get my hands on her!”)

A Blast of a Birthday! - Act 2

Note : If u happen to work at a CCD, this is an imaginary act played by imaginary actors at an imaginary CCD in an imaginary city.. ah! you get the imaginary picture don’t ya?

(x,y,z,t) – (Corner sofa @ CCD,13/06/07 : 12:00 hrs)

Act 2 Scene 1

They call it Cool Blue Granita… we call it Surf Excel. It is basically half-melted blue coloured crushed ice that somehow even tastes like Surf. The drink was in my hands when my eyes fell on the cream coloured trousers Imp was wearing. Time for torture.
Devil : “ Is that a new pair of trousers?”
Imp : puzzled
Ah! Wat the hell! As if I care if they were new!
“Splash!”; a strawful of Surf Excel all over the right leg of the crisp cream pants!
Devil : “Score!”
Take that you chocolate chip snatcher!
Imp : puzzled (Chap has a huge reservoir of these puzzled looks!)

“Splash!”; another strawful of Surf Excel all over the previous stain!
Boing! The spring on which Imp was sitting springs up! Poor fella! Tries his best to wipe his pants clean.
Hopeless : “ Thank God I am on the other side, far away from you.”
Devil : realizes that he too is wearin a pair of cream trousers “My lucky day! You’re wearing cream too.”
Hopeless : takes the newspaper to save his pants from the potential danger it was in
Devil : evil smile
“Splash!”; Surf on the big-mouthed fella’s pants! “Man, this straw is good. What amazing range!”
Hopeless : speechless
Fella surrendered then and there. Smart boy!
It is so satisfying to put your physics fundaes to use!

Next stop.. Plucky! Well, what do you know… she was wearing cream coloured pants too. My lucky day indeed. :D
Plucky : “No, not me.”
Devil : “Hmm, okay. She does have a class to attend after this. Besides I have no grudge against her. My first partner in crime, after all!”

One fleeting look at Imp’s look of ego and defiance and I knew I had to act again.
Devil : “Oh! Look.. Your left leg is totally clean.. Let’s give a finishing touch to this painting, shall we?”
I took one strawful and Boing! The spring goes up again! LOL! Just imagine a 6 foot tall fella jumping out of his seat as though poked with a pin. Tom & Jerry style!
One more sip from the straw and Boing! Double LOL!!
I just reached for the straw and Boing! Triple LOL!!!
I could do this forever!
Sip! Boing! LOL! Lolz!

Before long, he got the idea that I was just taking sips and had no plans of splashing but boy, was he wrong!
“SPLASH!” the biggest one so far! I just keep getting better at this!
Ah! Sweet Sadistic Satisfaction! It was an exhilarating feeling. The pant was crying and I was laughing.

Imp tried his hand at my game! An attempt to pour the last drops of Cold Chocolate over me but I was not ready to give up without a fight. It was a weird version of a tug of war.
Imp : “You wont win at this. This is all about strength.”
Devil : “ But you are supposed to be a chivalric guy…”
Imp : “No chivalry today.”
On mutual consent, or so I think, we decided to spare the Cold Chocolate.. or maybe the waiter appeared out of nowhere.. ;)

I was ruling and no one dared to revolt. I loved being in power… the power to splash! I had no idea what was in store for me; no idea that I had aroused a naughty little imp. He struck and he struck quick. I had no time to react. Quick as lightning, his long hands reached for the glass I had just placed back on the table, and the next thing I know I was drenched in Cool Blue Granita! Soaked all over. Wonder how that half filled glass managed to make me wet from head to toe. Freakish! He must be an expert; one with no plans of slow torture. He had set his mind on it and he did it! No straw.. no nothing. Just the Surf Excel and me.

It was Payback time, for all the torture he has been through ever since he knew me, for yesterday’s scrap-book decoration, for being my imp, for all the times he has put up with me and my evil self, for everything.

Of course, two can play at this game but right now it’s time to clean up and stop the hooliganism for the time being. The waiter must have thought that we had started to eat tissue paper too. Sparing just one tissue for Imp, I began wiping all the Cool Blue Granita and man, was it cool! And sticky too. Argh!

Hopeless : “Did you get that on camera?”
Plucky : “Ya… kind of.”
Hopeless : “ You missed the best part, the Payback time.”
Plucky : “These people don’t warn us before they attack. Next time give me a signal, ok?”



Act 2 Scene 2

(x,y,z,t) – (Same sticky, Surf Excel spilt sofa with torn newspaper soaked in Surf Excel and cushions trying hard to mask the mess, 13/06/07 : 13:00 hrs)

There was tension in the air. Who shall strike next? Who shall be the victim? Are the CCD guys going to throw us out? Are we going to be banned forever? Who should be given the camera?
So many questions, yet so little time to ponder.

Hopeless and Plucky didn’t get much to eat since the two of us were kind of preoccupied with Payback time. So we decided to order a Veg Burger just for them.

Devil : “ Aww! The colour doesn’t stay!”
Imp : “That’s right.”
Devil : “ That’s bad. It doesn’t look colourful at all.” evil smile “ You know, the veg burger is served with tomato and mustard sauce.”
Imp : evil smile
Devil : evil smile
Hopeless : worried
Plucky : busy on phone

The veg burger had hardly landed on the table when I aimed for the sauce packets. Ha ha! Sucker! They were in my custody and I was not going to give them away. Hopeless and Plucky didn’t even ask me for the sauces. They just ate away mechanically fearing the worst!

Maybe I am acting paranoid. Why am I clutching on to these sauce packets anyway?
Imp wont be so evil. Let me place it back. Maybe those two might want to have sauce with their burger. What a host I have been! I am supposed to be giving the treat.

Thus, I made the foolish decision of placing back the weapon I had. The war wasn’t over and I placed my weapon down. How will I ever forgive myself? As if he was just waiting for me to act foolishly, he did his long hand act again, and the sauce packets were in his hands. Damn!
Imp : “Self-defense” evil smile
Devil : “Hmpf!” bemused

Oh! Look at him. Staring away at nothing. Those two sauce packets tossing from one hand to the other while he listens to the music. That smile on his lips; the smile of victory. The charming smile that is contagious most of the time but not right now. No time for smiling. Focus! Focus on the packets. Ah! His hands relax their grip periodically. Hmm. Now, if only I could figure out the time period. Focus! That’s a nice song. Hey that smile again! Does he have a girl in his life? One that I don’t know of? Interesting! Cut the crap! Focus!

Sick of not able to focus on the weapon of mass destruction, I made my move. A silly, hasty move. Call it insecurity or ego, I don’t care. Imp had a metallic grip and would not be letting go of his self defense that easily. The excessive pressure he applied on the flimsy packet coupled with my sharp nails spelt inevitable destruction. Mustard all over the place; our sofa, my brand new dress, his old crappy trousers, the adjacent sofa, the kid on that sofa, everywhere.
Imp : “ That was suicide!”
Devil : “ Duh! I know. Shut up.”
Imp : “ Mustard stains are hard to remove, right?”
Devil : :shutup
Devil : “ Even on my hair!”
Imp : LOL

That’s the story of how I got bright yellow mustard stains on my brand new birthday dress. If you, by chance get any mustard stains, take my advice and never google on how to remove them. It’s a scary world out there! A dye, it seems. Just what I wanted to hear!

You think that was it? Wait till you hear this. I smell like mustard! Yeah! That’s right. I smell like one huge mustard packet and the worst part is my hair smells like it too, even after a good wash with loads of conditioner. Argh! to say the least.