Going bananas

It all started as I thought of starting a banana chips shop at Trivandrum next year. Add half a day of coding with an unfinished statement of purpose and placement strategies running in the background and this is the level of insanity that results. Here's what followed.

Vani, possibly having reached equal levels of insanity, decides to join me.
Vani's a business partner.

Surbhi is not planning on staying far from the action and decides that she will be given two packets every month free of cost.
“Let’s take the product to North India! I will tell everyone I know that banana chips are amazing.”
“Well, we can always appoint a dedicated sales force to do that for us. Why would we give you two free packets to do this?”
She decides to change strategy. “I will tell everyone that your chips are useless. Nobody will eat them.” She wins.
Surbhi gets free chips. Launching in North India.

A certain Hippo yawns, “I booked the franchisee first for North India.”
“Done.”
“Are you sure about your business prospects?”
“We’re discussing it around an imaginary round table as we speak.”
Hippo appointed as franchisee in North India.

“Count me in!”, pings Aditya.
“As a what?”
“As a cook. I'm pretty good.”
“But I actually want to carry this out.”
“Honestly.”
“Okay, welcome aboard.”
“And if we do well in the first 2-3 years we'll open a branch in Dubai. And then we'll come to Insti for placements.”
“Of course. We’ll be taking MAs mostly as part of sales force.
“We'll make commercials with them perhaps or let them just cut the bananas.”
Sundar Aditya appointed as executive cook.

Er-what-arbitness expression fills Divya’s face. She is unanimously chosen to be the license provider.
Divya IAS shall provide licenses.

“When you start a food business, first rule is to appoint someone who won't eat up whatever you make. Hippo? Seriously? Rahul Venkatraj - chief taster (quality control). I have previous experience in a kwality walls ice-cream factory.
“Wonderful. Work ex is always welcome. Welcome aboard.”
Aruppu appointed chief taster with reco from Kwality Walls.

Pressure comes up with, “How can you forget Bangalore? I will market it in the whole of Karnataka!”
“Why should we choose you for Bangalore?” On spot interview begins.
“I have spanned Karnataka from Bidar to Chamrajnagar, from Bellary to Madikeri!”
“Sold! Welcome aboard. “
“So I have got clearance from all of the board of directors! WOW! Can we also market banana chips cut longitudinally? That will be new!”
“Right now, we are focusing on the basic model only. We will keep you updated.”
Kshitij appointed franchisee for the *whole of Karnataka* and not just Bangalore.

The honourable BC, Dickens, makes his contribution with, “I want to do the chip design :)”
“Ah, why should we hire you?”
“I'm an experienced chip designer. My BTP is in chip design. Ever since childhood I have had a fervid desire to be a chip designer.”
“I see. Have you faced any obstacles in any chip designing that you did and how did you deal with it?”
“Obviously the design of any good chip is never free from obstacles. You might know that the famous Banana Dual Core Chip is my brainchild.”
“That’s an interesting idea. Could you elaborate on that?”
“Not, really, I'm afraid it's trademarked.”
Quick! Hire him before we lose him. “Welcome aboard!”
Dickens appointed as chip designer with trademarked Banana Dual Core chip on the cards.

“Hey you missed out on me. I need some job too.”
“You have to apply! We won’t come looking for you, you know.”
”Do we need to upload CV? I’m applying for the AP zone.”
“Ok. why should we hire you?”

“Well firstly I am a huge fan of banana chips. Secondly I am also telling you (having been a resident of AP for like 18 years) that banana chips has a huge market there, but is marketed poorly. So you’ll get multitudes of contracts just from my region.”

“Welcome aboard.”
BG appointed for AP division.

“Volunteering for TN division!”
“Ah, why should we hire you?”
“I have experience in tasting a wide variety of banana chips from various parts of Kerala and Tamil Nadu. This way I can eat a banana chip and tell you if it was made in TN or Kerala in a jiffy. Besides, TN is a very big market.”
Impressed by the market fundaes. “Welcome aboard.”
Deepak appointed for TN division.

“You can get the bananas from my farm.”
“Do you have a farm?”
“I will in the near future and then you’ll get bananas from the rich Palakkad soil.”
“Wonderful!”
Ragesh to supply raw material.

“I shall be the graphic designer for all your design needs.”
“Welcome aboard.”
Multi for all design needs.

"Gimme middle east distribution marketing and sales Qatar UAE Bahrain Saudi.", pings Noufal
"But why should we hire you?"

"Because I have conties in middle east, so I have sufficient experience and networks on ground already up and running. I have prior experience in fmcg and sufficient cheap manpower from mallu land."

"I see. What prospects do you see by expanding to these zones? "

"Well any enterprise started by Ms. Leela Aarthy would definitely have the potential to be a global brand. Ms. Leela Aarthy likes this. Middle East has a number of mallus, I mean probably more than Kerala and if you see a potential in Trivandrum and Kerala as a whole it is bound to work in the Middle East."

Noufal appointed franchisee for the Middle East.

All that in the span of a few hours. :)

Updates:
Whitelighter to take over sponsorship and so on.
Shrav for internet advertising.

Aimed Kills

It’s the end of the world. A giant brainwash is set to take place. Since the intelligent ones have killed each other over property rights feuds, the responsibility fell upon the mediocre ones to perfect this weapon of mass deletion. Presenting Aimed Kills*, the world’s first brainwasher!

Now, what shall we erase? It’s too much of a cliché to erase memory completely but erasing just the cerebral regions would create a whole bunch of morons. How about erasing all memory of food? A consensus was reached and it was hailed as a phenomenal idea given that food is what sustains life as we know it. The brainwasher was programmed accordingly but, given the mediocrity associated at different levels, the final product was, what can I say, not quite perfect. You see, it left some leftovers, if you will, of what it set out to delete. To add to the confusion, the one food item that remained unscathed after the process was the sober Idli.

It almost seemed as though Idli had been crowned hero of the day and it was on a double-sided mission to set things right once and for all, albeit in an oddly selfish way. What were those crunchy finger shaped snacks called? I don’t remember; let’s make them out of Idlis! And thus, Idli Finger Chips was formed. What was that saucy thing you had at a Chinese restaurant long back? Never mind; let’s make them out of Idlis. Voila! Idli Manchurian! Wasn’t Biriyani the most elaborate and spicy of them all? Who cares! Let’s make them out of Idlis. And there you have Idli Biriyani. If you don’t mind, kindly extrapolate the aforementioned line of thought to Rasam idli, Idli Gulab Jamun, Idli Ussili and Idli Curd Rice. Thank you.

Did you think that was a lame figment of a writer’s imagination? SK Mess Saturday dinner as on 24th October was exactly that.

*Aimed Kills is an anagram of SK Idli Mela.

Whose tikka is it anyway?

There is a considerable amount of defiance in the air when a nineteen year old girl goes all by herself to a real family restaurant. Tifanys is, clearly, not counted. I called up my parents to let them know I had reached home (others call it IITM) safely. I made sure they realized how grown up I was. It felt good. I ordered something and decided to set my eyes on my television till the time my phone stopped bulbing. That's when I noticed them; the family. Well, I noticed the guy in the family first. Typical goody goody boy - I don't behave indecently - I don't eat nonveg - I smoke not - I drink not and so on. And then I saw the rest of the family; all glued to the television. "Wow! A Samsung plasma TV. I have never seen one before. Beta, dekh lo. You might not get this chance again." I did not technically hear this, but this is pretty much what they would've said, if they did talk that is. I decided then and there that I was going to sit back and watch the show. ( And I did not mean the one on TV, in case you are a total moron.)

A plate of mouth-watering paneer tikka arrived on the table. They kept worshipping the television. What an insult! It was the son who ventured to set his eyes upon the impudent foreign object that had dared to intrude into his life. The look of disgust on his eyes went well with the scorn on his face. A classic example of the 'look before you leap' category of people. Note that the others had not so much as looked in the direction of the solitary plate on their table.

Somewhere between then and now my order arrived and it felt luxurious to have something to munch as I was getting entertained. As far as the paneer tikka goes, the dad, the 'leap and then look' category, was the next in line. His hand shot and grabbed a piece of onion. Onion! Raw onion! Was the paneer part invisible or was I hallucinating?

Daddy then asks daughter to have a look. She, the 'don't look, don't leap' category, carried on her disturbing admiration for the particularly irritating comedian on the flat screen. Of course, mummy was not to be left out of all this action. She consults daddy, "Do you think it is eatable? Is it a part of the table deco.." only to be intruded by daughter, "Mummy, talk softly. I'm watching TV." That served as the cue to bring all those who were distracted by that lowly dish (or was it a table decoration?) back to what they did best. "All hail the Samsung Flat Screen."

Let’s get Addicted!

It’s finally here. My first addiction! It’s the sole reason why I have breakfast, why I wait for tea-time every single day and why I don’t mind drinking milk. Ah! Just one spoonful of this heavenly powder and milk, the liquid I totally despise, turns into a divine drink. The colour, the smell, the taste… it’s a feast for the senses I tell you. It really is.

It was my good friend, Coke, who suggested this heavenly drink to me, being an addict herself. She is addicted to the vanilla flavour and gave me a sip of it one fine evening. I was on the verge of puking! Ah! An analogue to a smoker’s first puff. I would never have got addicted had I left it at that first sip. Fortunately, I ventured to try out another flavour, namely chocolate and the rest, as they say, is history.

She did warn that this drink might get the drinker addicted but who cares for silly little warnings when trying something out for the first time? It felt nice in the beginning. Protinex buddies! Or should I say Protinex addicts! I used to take one cup a day after breakfast or in the evening instead of my usual tea. Then, it became nicer; two cups a day. Later it became my breakfast. Just one big cup of Protinex chocolate. A happy meal! I’m luvin it! Thanks (?) to the fact that I was eating at a mess where milk was served only twice a day, the daily intake was restricted to two cups.

One fine evening, another good friend, CL, gave me a tempting offer-a perfectly made cup of Boost. I used to like Boost very much so I decided to give it a try. The dark brown colour and the aroma were too good to say no to. Besides, my Protinex was finishing fast and I wanted to save it for the desperate times a.k.a end-sems. I took one sip and it felt tasteless. Entirely tasteless. My reaction was surprising to me too. How can a chocolate-crazy person feel a cup of Boost as tasteless? Something was wrong somewhere. I felt that nothing could make a drink as tasty as Protinex did. That is when the seriousness of the addiction struck me. It convinces you that every other drink is insipid, tasteless, archaic, obsolete and only one drink exists that is worth drinking…Protinex Chocolate! and I stand by this fact.

Every addiction comes with the ultimate aim of taking over the world. Mine is no different. It makes full use of its victim; from preaching about its splendour to offering a free sip. A pity I haven’t been able to serve my master in a reasonable, leave alone remarkable, manner for every time I preach about this heavenly drink, I end up convincing nobody. Not a single soul. To make things worse, all I get back from my audience are disgusted expressions and appalling remarks. I quote a few instances.

“Protinex? Yuck!” – Mind your language! Insulting I say!

“Oh! that drink; it’s ok ok types” – Ok ok types? Oh! Come on…

“Ahem! ” – I wish she would’ve stopped with that Ahem.

“Tastes like sugarless Milo with a tinge of bitterness.” – Sigh! Maybe because it was her first puff!

“Eww! That was terrible. So bitter! I need some water to clean my mouth” - speechless

The comments are never-ending and it all leads to the same conclusion; Proinex == Yuck. What can be worse than that?

"Smells Boostish. Tastes real nice ya." - Finally! some ray of hope but you know what? I am not so convinced about the genuineness of this comment because this was from a guy and guys say many things.

Update:
"Nice" followed by a dorky smile. - Well, that was "nice" to hear until he said that he likes yeast on toast too.

Inexplicably grotesque expression. - What more shall I say?

Now that, my good friend, is a serious addiction but guess what… I have no plans of snapping out of it.

Ten bucks

"How much more do we have left?",he asks.
"10 bucks."
"Well, u keep it then."
"No, what will I do with it? Let's finish it off."

These coupons are valid only for one day. I looked around frantically trying to find out something worth 10 bucks. Maybe its the increased cost of living these days, but there was nothing much for 10 bucks. I was almost going to give up when my eyes fell on the packaged food stall. Bingo. Haldiram's Moong dal. "I like moong dal very much and its exactly 10 bucks", I blurt out like as if I was Columbus and I had just discovered America. "Okay then. I'll get it.", he blurts equally well. Of all the things that had to go wrong, the packet refused to open. It was no use trying to open it and it was getting late. So he asked me to keep it. He searches around for his cycle like it was a needle in a haystack. I was terribly amused at the amnesia he suffered but tried to control myself lest he should feel any more embarassed than he already was. After a long hunt, he succeeded in finding his cycle. Then, fiddled with the lock for some more time. After what seemed to be an eternity, we climbed on board our respective cycles, rode side by side for some time and then went our separate ways. I looked at the moong dal packet and wondered why it refused to open. Feeling bad about not having said a proper goodbye I decided to send a text message- "Thanks for the company." and as always.. no reply.