The Marathon

It’s not like I’m worried about it. It’s just that it’s there. It doesn’t bother me or anything but what if? What if it starts bothering me? What will I do then?

I have been trying to figure this out for quite some time now. An intriguing sensation that numbs me all over. Neither does it explain itself to me nor have I made a conscious attempt at understanding it. I have been running away from it and will continue the marathon. Yes, it’s a never-ending marathon. Now, out of the blue, (or shall I blame it on this endless vacation that is driving me insane?) I feel interested in this issue.

Where do I begin? It is, after all, difficult to think about something you never wanted to think about.

Here’s an incident from the recent past. I got hold of this song from Plucky recently. Summer of ’69 by Bryan Adams and here’s how it went.
Me: Hmm. Bryan Adams… should be a good song.
Plucky: Yeah, its really good.
Me: ok, lets hear it then.
Plucky: k
Plays the song.
Whoa! That was loud.
Hmm, sounds good.
After just two lines of the song, she had to leave to perform some chores. So its just me and the song now.
Foot tapping and head nodding.
Damn! here it comes.. he sings, “ oh when I look back now”
And it had arrived. That irritating torturous feeling swells up within me. The line, “those were the best days of my life” served as the Grand Finale. That was it. I paused the song then and there.
Plucky is back.
Me: why does he have to sing like that?
Plucky: seems to understand my situation perfectly. Hehe I know.
I have the song on my Lappy but I never play it. I just don’t feel like it. I do play it once or twice these days but I still haven’t crossed that 50 sec mark. But you know what? That doesn’t bother me.

Oh yeah, here’s another one. A few days back, I was chatting on Gtalk with CL. Just another day, just another chat, just gen stuffs. She was about to sign off and that’s when it happened. She said bye and added, “missing you guys.” Damn! Though I instinctively reply with a conventional “missing you too”, my thoughts are elsewhere, busy trying to run away as usual. And this particular incident has happened twice on chat and twice on sms. Damn! Double damn! I just don’t understand it. “Miss u a lot”, “miss kar raha hun”, “missing u”; every single time, it’s the same old story. But you know what? That doesn’t bother me.

The other night, this friend of mine, came into my room all excited. I was in no mood to listen to anybody. It was time to crash and I wanted to crash. She, however, had other plans. She had just come back from this amazing date with her boyfriend. Bah! I was definitely in no mood for that. I played some arbit playlist and hoped she would cut the narration short and let me crash in peace. I don’t remember what she said (coz if I did remember and wrote it on this blogpost, well, I would get kicked. ;) ) but there was something about that date, that was unforgettable for her and affected me to the extent that tears welled up in my eyes. Damn! A sudden gush of something flows through my system culminating in an involuntary smile. Was I happy for her? Or sad for myself? Or was it time to run away from whatever it is that I have been running away from? Time to chase her out of my room. I did chase her out and crashed on my pillow with such high approach velocity that my nose pained all night. Ouch! But you know what? That doesn’t bother me.

“Hey, listen to this song. He sent it to me this morning.”
Oh! Great! Just what I wanted to hear. “Ok. Send it down.”
I hardly listened to the song the first time I played it. I was preoccupied with many other things. She seemed excited about the song but I was least bothered. I played it a second time to actually listen to it, and man, was it good. Damn! It was too good. Why does he have to sing it like that? And why does he have to say things like that? Oh, by the way, the song under question is Truly Madly Deeply by Savage Garden. But you know what? That doesn’t bother me.

In other news, I just banged my knee against the sofa. Ouch!

Sometimes its just an involuntary smile and at other times it’s a surge of feelings. Its hard to keep yourself from smiling when you see an STD sms that reads just a “goodnight :)” or to hear your phone vibrate on your bedside window sill just a few minutes after you sent a goodnight message.

But you know what? All of this... just doesn’t bother me.